This is a bit different from our usual entries. This recipe is based on an actual recipe created when it was impossible to find a recipe that provided a slow cooked beef curry without coriander, yogurt and most important store-bought curry sauce or paste. And, yes, one of us was in a bad temper when they prepared this curry.
Important Preparation
To begin this meal you must wake up in a reasonable mood. This is important. It helps if the last 6 months have been extremely stressful and you have decided to put this behind you and have a pleasant, productive day.
The next really important thing is to go to some appliance/piece of technology you use regularly, like a computer, car, drill or microwave. When you attempt to use it, it must fail for some stupid reason. Please note: it cannot be broken but will require at least half an hour to an hours effort to restore it to working order and it should have done the same thing in the last week.
To complete the setup you now need to go shopping for fruit and vegetables on a busy Saturday morning at a popular place where most people own 4 wheel drives and know the right fashion items to wear to this exclusive event. You are dressed to keep warm from the biting wind. Make certain while there to let people push in front of you and trap you near the broccoli while they chatter about sport or a party they attended. Do not try to ask them to move. You are wearing the wrong clothes. You will be ignored.
On arriving home unpack and wrestle with the limited space in the vegetable bin in the fridge while others stand around watching. Sigh and leave some of the vegetables in the other part of the already crowded fridge. Place ‘Cleaning the fridge’ on your mental list of things to do. Do not try to locate the top of the mental list. Place make a written list of the mental list on the mental list. That will solve everything (in an alternate universe perhaps).
Extremely important:
Make certain one loved family member does not cook but is always prepared to offer advice and suggestions on cooking, especially when you are already questioning your decisions. This person must offer a suggestion at least every 5 minutes and you HAVE to try to be polite while ignoring them. Very important: Do not act on their advice.
Ingredients
2 large (plus one) brown onions, thinly sliced
3 cloves garlic, crushed
3 cm fresh ginger peeled and cut into small pieces because the small grater you have for this purpose has gone missing and you can’t find it after 10 minutes of looking.
3 stalks of fresh curry leaves
1 red chilli
600 gr Woolworths/Coles/Aldi slow cook beef
2 ripe tomatoes
5 cardamom pods, crushed
1 teaspoon cumin seeds
2 teaspoons turmeric
1 teaspoon cayenne pepper
2 cinnamon quills
2 cups beef stock
2 teaspoons mustard seed
1 teaspoon Garam Masala
2 tablespoons of yogurt (very optional)
2 teaspoons cornflour
Method
- Get out your slow cooker, while someone who has hurt their back says they will do it in the background. Ignore their comments as you don’t have time to spend rubbing another application of Tiger Oil onto the aforementioned back. Next, make sure you have bought some slow cook raw meat from a ‘dependable’ supermarket chain which you have frozen and make sure you slightly over defrost it.
- Cut the fat off the meat. If you are as fortunate as me, effectively half the meat will be removed.
- While cutting the fat off the meat discover a bag, containing raw meat, from a grocery shopping trip which happened a week ago, has been placed behind a table and the meat is now only fit for the rubbish bin. Swear very loudly and almost cut your finger. Maintain the rage for a few minutes. Scare your family.
- Feel guilty about losing your temper as you fry the meat in one pan with the ginger and half the garlic. Then be angry about feeling guilty. In another pan start frying the onion with the remaining garlic, while trying to assemble all the other ingredients. Yes, DO NOT be organised at the beginning! Do NOT make certain all the spices are at hand. What is this? A cooking show? Become a little overwrought as the onions should be stirred regularly and you don’t want the meat to burn but you are still searching for the rest of the ingredients.
- Ungraciously accept an offer from a family member to stir the onions. Now, it is important to spill mustard seeds all over the bench and spend a few minutes searching for the cinnamon quills as they have, once again, decided to hide.
- Decide that due to the lack of meat you require another onion. Stop the spice search, cut up the onion and add it to the pan of onion which has already been cooking for 15 minutes. Swear silently at Supermarket chain and swear never to buy meat from them again. Supervise the onion stirrer for a few minutes to make certain that onion is not decorating the stove-top.
- Try and persuade a family member to go and pick curry leaves so you can sort things out. All deny knowledge of what a curry plant looks like and even if they did they aren’t sure how to pick the leaves and then question the existence of the curry plant. Become irritated at how a simple request has become a philosophical discussion, grab a pair of scissors and go into the biting cold. Cut off the curry leaves, go back inside and sulkily wash them. Quickly stir the beef which no one has been watching while you were outside, stir the onions as the family member supposed to be stirring them has wandered away and think about running away to South America.
- Add the onion to the meat in the slow cooker. If it is an electric slow cooker make certain it is already turned on and you need to work quickly just for the additional excitement. Wait for family member to finish investigating the fridge for their drink/snack/fun and locate the beef stock. Add the stock quickly before the meat burns.
- Cut up the chilli. Whether you remove the seeds is your choice. If you love pain, rub your eyes with your finger before washing off the chilli. (If you do this make certain you have a few minutes to swear again and try splashing your face with cold water to alleviate the sting.) Place the chilli, mustard and cumin seeds in a pan. Fry until everyone has to leave the kitchen because the fumes are affecting their eyes, but you have to remain. Swear at the chilli and add all the remaining ingredients (while accidentally forgetting to add one ingredient) to the slow cooker, except the yogurt if you are using it.
- Taste the sauce. It seems okay but lacking something. Remember the final ingredient, add it and something else or cracked pepper because why should you stick to any recipe? They are meant to be flexible and creative. You are in a bad temper and what you decide is your decision. You do not need a committee to decide on the spice mix!
- Slow cook the curry (covered) for 6 hours. Read the news. Think about injustice. Receive a phone call from a scam artist about solar panel rebate scheme, your computer being infected with a virus, or whatever scam is popular at the moment. Yell at them, if you wish. Play a frustrating game. Try to sort through all the things stored in the laundry. Be asked where some item is normally stored by a person who has asked the same question five times in the last fortnight. Watch a television show/movie you hate.
- If none of the activities in number 11 appeal, and you have ample spare time, make roti, poppadoms, chapatis, raita, naan, chutney and other side dishes for the curry. You do not have a life or anything else to do.
- Mix the cornflour with a little water or beef stock (about a tablespoon) to make a thin paste. Add the paste and cook slowly the curry begins to thicken. Add the yogurt, if you are using it. Wonder why everyone is hovering over the slow cooker. Are they expecting you to feed them?
- Serve with rice, if you like rice. If you don’t like rice, serve it with something else that seems appropriate. (It might not be a good idea to serve it on top of chocolate cake, trifle or French Onion soup, but it is your decision.) Try to enjoy it.
- Make someone else do the washing up.
(It actually tasted quite nice and had a bit of heat to it).
Clean the Plate 